Today has been a little messy. My mind was a badly run metro station with trains of thoughts colliding into one another – the Isetan project, ACIM Day 1, creativity and match.com. I was literally switching between tabs on a browser every other minute. Nothing significant came through.

Ordo ab chaos.

That’s latin for ‘order from chaos’.

I wonder what should the end be. Greek philosophers would say Order, but seriously, what’s wrong with pure chaos? Isn’t there beauty in chaos too? Chaos, like what went on in my mind today.

OK, order sounds good. But if everything eventually ends up in order, what would the world be like? Would we all wake up at the same time, eat the same breakfast, do the same thing, hold the same conversations and die the same way? If you take order to its ultimate end game, it doesn’t sound so pretty either.

I think the saying is misleading. An improvement would read  ‘ordo ab chaos ab ordo ad infinitum”. This, at least, reflects our human condition more truthfully.

What if both ‘order’ and ‘chaos’ are just illusions. A pseudo-understanding of the world taught to us to keep us running in circles. A veil of sorts. The blue pill.

What if everything is just the way it is now, in this very moment; and whatever combination of ‘order’ and ‘chaos’ you might misunderstanding there to be, that it is really all the beauty that the world has to offer to you, right here, right now?

In Woody Allen’s latest movie ‘Whatever Works’, the ingenious, morbid, insensitive and suicidal Boris Yellnikoff (played by who else but Larry David) is not anything else but himself. Obtuse – yes, but that’s him. And being true to his essence, life, unfolding to him within Woody’s script, would reward him with finding his true love. And under the most unexpected and unusual circumstance.

There is light beyond this infinite cycle of life.

With this, I close the day with a can of Sapporo’s best and a new lesson learnt.

It’s been awhile since I wrote on this blog. I haven’t stopped writing though, it’s just that I thought the stuff I went through in the past year would not be relevant to you.

So here I am, sitting by the harbor front at a Starbucks (where else, haha), writing this. Oh yes, I have a new companion now – his name is Bowser and he’s a 6-month-old golden retriever. Save for a few tense moments in the car on route to our destination (he gets car sick), Bowser is really the perfect company for me – he keeps to himself, doesn’t bark and is not easily aroused – as I could write on my outings with him.

So I have a pet now, but I only got Bowser towards the end of the hiatus, perhaps as a milestone or a reward of some kind. Much has happened on this journey. I have learned many lessons and I will be sharing some of them here. The end of that ‘journey’ doesn’t mean that the learning stops, in fact, a new chapter of my learning has commenced, and from here, I will have much more to share on this blog.

Today, I shall tell you the story of how Bowser and I met.

I had dogs before but they were never really mine. If you were to ask anybody who knows me, they will tell you how unlikely is it for me to own a pet, much more so, to own a pet when I’m living alone. It’s simply not me to go into a situation like this. I mean, I love animals, but to have to pick up their poo and wipe their ass everyday is something else.

It all started with “Marley and Me”. No, the movie didn’t get to me, but it sure got to Madeleine (my 10-year-old daughter), who then started chatting me on Facebook every other day to ask me to get a dog. She will bombard me with questions like “why don’t you get a dog, it’s the best companion” or “what percentage chance are you at right now on getting a dog”. At the same time, she will send me pictures of puppies, dog keeping articles, books, etc.

I was resilient at first. But when the gentle reminders turns into desperate cries, I had to give her something. I responded with numbers: initially “40%”, then “50%”, and eventually “70%”. I never moved beyond 70% and explained to Madeleine that the remaining 30% is really up to the dog.

Frankly, I am not entirely against the idea of keeping a dog. There are many a times when I’m alone and thought that having someone around is, well, nice.

So, I decided to give it a shot, just one. It’s going to be a one time thing: I would make an inquiry and that’s it. So I picked one of the many forum threads of dog owners selling puppies Madeleine sent me. I made one enquiry. One, that that got me one response to set up one meet.

On the day itself, I cleared my schedules, did nothing that could potentially throw me off. I made that day special – I believe in subtle energies and wanted my ‘waves’ to be as uncluttered and true as possible. You see, I am letting the puppies pick their master. It is really up to them now. Them, or whoever is guiding them.

I reached the breeder’s place early, calm my thoughts and as I walked to the door. It was ajar and I could see the breeder mopping the floor while three golden retrievers were seated obediently on the wooden couch. They were well-trained. But when I came into their sights, one of them started fidgeting and attempted to leap off the couch. The breeder cracked a command but to no avail. Bowser is now on the floor and running towards me. What can I say, he has chosen me and I know he is going to be my dog. The moment is now 100%.

As it turns out, Bowser is the perfect companion for me. On the first day home, he instinctively knew to take his business to the lawn. He would let out a groan in the mornings and whenever he has to go. He understood what “naughty boy” meant the very first time he heard it. He rarely barks and is very friendly with human, especially little children.

You wouldn’t believe how glad I am to have been chosen, Bowser’s nothing like Marley in the movie. Sometimes, it’s good to let go of ego and control and leave some things to Spirit.

I have been going to bed at 3 in the morning for weeks now. I don’t think it’s insomnia – I have none of the undesirable side effects. I am, however, suspicious of the purpose of these extended hours.

Last night I did something different from my usual nocturnal ritual of reading, the PS3 and the occasional smoke. I found this song “Miss You” by Miki Imai and thought I could listen it in song-repeat mode. So, headphones on, ipod set, lights out.

The intro mesmerized me and relaxed my mind. Thoughts are muted out soon. It’s a befitting melody to usher in Miki’s double-chocolatey sweetness. Like a gentle cloud, she lifted me into a motherly cradle. The song is like a lullaby, one sang by Mother Earth herself, reassuring her unwavering love for me. Cuddled, I faintly hear her tell me that it is ok to surrender and release. Images followed. Of someone whom I cared for. We lead separate lives now, but I know I’ll always be there for her. Like a guardian angel. Unfortunately, one that’s mortal and on the same dimension. We can be together but it is not time yet. The distance has to be maintained. While the tidbits of conversations are good and enough for now, the sweetness of the night and Mother’s comforting embrace made my heart dared to yearn for more. I don’t think it will be an unrequited quest. I know that all good things, as all good things should be, will come in good time. But for an hour in the darkness of night, my heart broke free and felt the full ache of missing someone, missing you.

Most of us in relationships play all sorts of mind games. No matter how great the beginnings of the relationship might be, most of us end up in a power struggle with the one we claim to love.

Many of us fall into this trap – and events in the past couple of weeks has led me to believe that I have too.

But unlike most modern (‘cool’) metropolitan types, I did not choose the path to exit the relationship gracefully.

It is apparent to me that something critical is missing from the relationship. And today, I happen to chance on Tom Kenyon’s article “Alchemy of Relationships” that has provided me a hint to the missing puzzle piece.

Before I get into the answer, let’s talk about how we forge our individual personalities.

Your Hardened Personalities

If you think about everything new that you do – say a new roller-coaster ride or the first time you visit Tokyo – the entire experience seem to be covered in a new light. Your senses are heightened and we become ultra receptive to the new environment.

This then forms the basis of our experience. Thereafter, the same encounter will simply add slight modifications to the original. That’s why people stress on the importance of ‘first impressions’.

Now, imagine your childhood – where most encounters are the first. How did we learn how to react to all kinds of situations? Remember the first time you got back a test paper and you didn’t like the score? The first time someone challenge you to a basketball game? The first time an older boy bullied you?

Tom Kenyon used the analogy of the heat and pressure of a furnace used to forge steel to describe the same intensity of our childhood experiences that forged our personalities.

The other interesting quality of steel is its tendency to retain its form, unless you subject it to another furnace.

Back to the relationships

While most or all relationships start out with a bang, the months and years that follow on will push us against our hardened personalities.

I’m a neat freak and my partner the opposite – I’ve observed the over the years, the mean time before my going crazy with messiness starts to get shorter and shorter.

And if you’ve been in a relationship long enough, I bet you can easily come up with 10 things where both of you exist on different ends of the stick.

Numbing Yourself Doesn’t Work

I’ve often heard this phrase “you take the entire package” from well-meaning friends who advises me I should accept my partner for the entirety of who she is.

Buried in this message is “why don’t you just ignore everything that you don’t want.” I think to achieve this, I will have to numb my perception to these things.

The problem with numbing is that you cannot compartmentalize it – other ‘good’ things will have to go.

Take the above example of a messy apartment, while I can train myself to ignore the eyesore, I can never hope to meditate properly in the room again.

Reforge Your Relationship

This is why you want to reforge a relationship – a red-hot binding experience to reset your stubborn selves to better complement each other.

That’s it – partners should grow to complement each other, not cringe to each other’s idiosyncrasies.

Tom frames this as an alchemical process:

1. Knowing that the form in the relationship that needs to be changed is the form of habitual interactions between two partners;
2. Provide a container of absolute safety, honesty and appreciation for the transformation;
3. Energy to drive the change.

I believe I am only scratching the surface of Tom Kenyon’s wisdom here. Paulo Coelho mentioned that Wisdom = Knowledge + Transformation. The obvious next steps for me is to take action and change. Only then, I guess, will I be able to share this better with you.

A big part of our social life revolves around meeting and chilling out with friends. Depending on your age group, you could be hanging out at a MacDonald’s, Starbucks, dance club, wine bar, pub, golf clubhouse, private clubs or even local joints where the cheapest beer is sold.

Until recently, I don’t really like to hang out much. I thought I was a quirky-alone, but it turn out I am just bored with the run-of-the-mill conversations that dominate these sessions.

A year ago, I attended a leadership course and got to know a new group of friends. We shared a deeply bonding experience and became very close in those 3 months. Thereafter, a small group of us continued to meet up. As it turns out, I really liked those meet-ups.

This article is about what makes those meet-ups fun for me.

1. Smaller Group Size

A small 3-5 group is the most engaging because you can hold a substantial conversation with everybody at the same time.

Once you chance upon a common topic that everyone wants to talk about (e.g. rising prices, elections, celebrity scams), the gathering will ignite and launch into an orbit of its own.

Sometimes, you cannot help but join a big group. And you cannot help but feel obligated to go around and attempt to say something to everyone.

I find this effort futile because you will end up playing host, hopping from group to group. In the end, you’d have said hi to everyone but not really know what is going on with their lives.

When in a big party, don’t be afraid to form smaller groups and build a great session from there.

2. Cheer Everyone Up

In any gathering, there’d be people who had a bad day at work. You know it because they look like it. But, it’s work and really not their faults.

When I see this, I’d go out of my way to interact with the person. My intention is to bring a smile to their faces so they can totally enjoy the meet-up.

Who knows, someday you’d be the one who had the bad day. And the good seeds you’ve sown would come to fruition when a friend walks up and make it his/her intention to cheer you up.

3. Listen and Appreciate

Most of us unknowingly dominate a conversation and remain stubbornly ignorant to the bored faces that it draws. I have been the biggest culprit in this.

Nowadays, I have to constantly remind myself to ‘listen’ and purposely wait for the pause from the other party before jumping to the conversation.

And when it’s my turn, I will stay on the same topic by adding my views on it. This is what I mean by ‘appreciate’ – which I take literally to mean to ‘grow’ the conversation.

4. Additives

I am a light drinker and an occasional smoker. I am also very selective that I only do that when I want to let my hair down and be more present.

Right now, half a pint and two sticks does it for me.

It’s a good thing it takes so little to lighten my mood and get my head spinning with ideas. Consider this, a ‘good’ drinker will need to fork out a lot more money to get the same effects!

5. Break Some Rules

When I did business in Japan, I learn that when you get to the inner circle, you’d be invited to a honsen (open air bath house) to take a bath in the nude (with a small towel for your head) with the CEO. The best rapport is often struck in these meetings in the buff.

While you don’t have to change the venue of your next meet-up in a bath house, you could risk a topic outside of the comfort zone of your group. Perhaps, something taboo?

A conversation drought is the inevitable phase of a relationship when the couple basically runs out of interesting topics to say to each other.

It is one of the toughest tests that you can put a relationship on. From a quick survey I made with friends today, most simply don’t survive the challenge.

I am very interested in conversation droughts because I put a premium on having very deep and engaging sharing in a relationship. My 7-year-old relationship has been threatened on multiple occasions and all I can say is that we’ve been lucky to have weathered them.

Today, I am going to embark on a quest to know the formidable nemesis and develop strategies to overcome it.

1. Be Present

It is easy to become numb to the daily grind of I-love-you’s and how-was-your-day’s. In good time, you’ll find yourself saying them for sake of the auditory waves they generate.

You know it’s putting the cart before the horse when saying something when you feel it becomes saying something for you to feel it.

A good friend Mike shared with me how he consciously block out a chunk of time when he initiates a chat with his spouse. When he asks ‘how was your day’, he be there to listen to anything, however long it might take.

Being present is about making the time for your significant-other.

2. Prioritize One-on-One

Even if you are under the same roof, the little insignificant chores can eat away all the alone-time that you have with each other.

Make it a point to spend quality time with each other without distractions.

Sometimes, the situation can be awkward because nothing comes out of it. Know that the awkwardness is a far better deal than forgoing the relationship. Embrace the silence and enjoy each other’s presence. Don’t force it. Be patient.

3. Dwell on the Good, Look for the Silver Lining

It is all so easy to start complaining and forget that your partner is also there to bask in your light.

Be selective about what you share, focus on the positive and let it come up. When one of you gets sucked into to vortex of bad feelings, look hard to find that sliver of light from it and bring it into focus.

4. Spice It Up

If music gets you into the mood, play your favorite song. If alcohol takes down your shields, open a bottle of wine. If smoke rings enlivens you, get an ashtray.

Hey, being in touch with your partner is more important than this. Relax, kick back!

An IM exchange last night reminded me about what I did when I reverted to singlehood for a period about 3 weeks.

Dr Helen Fisher, in her book Why We Love, documents that breaking up is one of the most devastating experiences men and women can go through. Different individuals handles these hard times differently.

I just felt like sharing with you what I did during my own lonely moments. In hindsight, I thought I handled it pretty well, erm, at least good enough to share this with you today. I truly hope that you might find the silver lining in between these lines.

1. Start writing a journal

Instead of letting your thoughts run wild, start writing a journal and let your emotions flow out in ink.

Between thinking and writing, I find the latter naturally biased towards the positive. You might write a whole load of negative feelings at first but when you let your pen dance its own, a different perspective will emerge. If it look like it isn’t, be patient, continue writing and it will.

In time, you’ll find your writing changing your focus to the good things in life. You’ll rationalize an excuse for yourself to feel good. Before you notice it, you’ll start feeling better.

2. Read a good book

What worked for me was Paulo Coelho’s collection of tremendously engaging novels. The author’s biggest strength is his simple but captivating storytelling ability that grabs 100% of your attention.

Paulo’s books discusses fundamental themes that can bring about a much-needed revelation to the break-up, for example in The Zahir, the author poses “why is it that we always end up destroying what we treasure the most.”

I highly recommend The Alchemist, The Pilgrimage, The Zahir, Eleven Minutes and Veronika Decides To Die.

3. Watch a romantic comedy

This might sound counterintuitive so bear with me for a while here. During my own episode, I watched Kate & Leopold, You’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, Love Actually, The Replacements and Along Came Polly.

Watch the movie alone. Get popcorn, beer, or whatever works to get you into the movie. Make sure no one can interrupt you during the entire length of the movie.

As you watch the movie, observe your emotions. When a scene makes you feel good, shout out “I want that!” Don’t go into the vicious cycle of reflecting on your own relationship, simply enjoy the scene, the stars and the story.

Conversely, when a scene makes you sad, shout out “this is just part of the script, it’s logical that the plot comes to this” and get off that negative emotion right away.

This is something I learn from Abraham, Esther and Jerry Hicks, who are forefront proponents of the Law of Attraction. This is an exercise that puts you into the right state of being (or ‘vibration’) so that better things might come to you.

4. Entertain Good Memories

After a breakup, you end up with a lot of time alone. Uninitiated, we will allow all types of memories to surface. Being human, we instinctively end up circling the “what went wrong” and “how can he/she do that to me”.

For every negative memory that comes to mind, quickly close it by stating something like “OK, I acknowledge that this is bad but what’s done is done and there is really no point in digging up more dirt here.”

Once you’ve closed that negative thought, move yourself to a positive plane by recalling the good times that you’ve had before, with a special focus on the kind of person that you are. Here’s an example from yours truly:

“I really enjoyed the Tokyo trip with her. During those 6 days, I was completely relaxed and so loving towards her. I wasn’t selfish at all and made the entire trip all about her. I can see that she really liked being with me and why not, I am so lovable.”

The worst thing a breakup can do to you is turning you into a disgruntled, unhappy, emotional wreck. You have to see that this is the work of allowing yourself to mull around bad memories.

Determined, you can eliminate bad memories and soak yourself up in the good ones. In days, observe a cheerful and positive you emerge.